The Watchkids
by Charafi
Summary: translation of the eponymous Watchmen/Simpsons crossover: Bart, Lisa, Milhouse, Nelson, Ralph and Martin become the watchkids, the new hall-monitors in Springfield Elementary school.


**Disclaimer: I am french, I am a girl and I am 21, so I can't be Matt Groening or Alan Moore, I just borrow their characters without being paid, and of course _The Simpsons_ and _Watchmen_ are their properties.**

**Here is the translation of my fic WATCHKIDS.**

**It's an idea that popped into my mind after I saw the movie _Watchmen_,and others had the same idea judging by the nice fanarts I've seen:**

**.com/search/label/Watchmen**

**Thanks a lot to TV-Junkie-99 for his precious help in the translation: I sent the first translation to him so that he corrects it, but he didn't only made a translation, he also made an adaptation at some parts, making it better. It's also thanks to him that you can read this fic in a good English.**

**This is a corrected version of my fanfic but the story didn't change.**

**WATCHKIDS**

**Springfield Elementary School**

SKINNER : Edna, it's a disaster. No students accepted to join the hall-monitor program !

EDNA: Sure, the post is so attractive. Even the students like Ralph are more popular than they are.

MIS HOOVER: Do you remember what happened to the last volunteer, who also happened to be the only hall-monitor ?

SKINNER: Oh yes, poor Timmy, what a tragedy (he shakes his head and looks down). But there was no lawsuit from the parents for once !

EDNA: For a good reason, he was an orphan.

MUSIC TEACHER: What about hiring grown-up hall-monitors ? Like the other schools do ?

SKINNER: And with what money ? We're a public school !

EDNA: What about the robot hall-monitors ?

SKINNER: Hmm.

_Flashback_

Robots identical to Mr. Burns Homer Robot from Treehouse of Horror are running everywhere in the burning school, they have laser-eyes and are hunting frightened pupils and teachers repeating with a mechanic voice: Destroy. Destroy. Skinner is panicking whereas Willy is trying to fix up a machine equipped with a lever locked on evil.

SKINNER: What diabolical being could have super-glued them to evil ?

Bart is away from the ruined school, rubbing his hands, smiling and laughing.

_End of the flashback_

SKINNER: And it had begun so well though. What a shame !

He rises up, looks to the window and takes a solemn attitude.

SKINNER: We have to convince the children to volunteer. Any ideas ?

There s the sound of a slamming door, Skinner grimaces, and turns to face an empty staff room. He bows his head and seems desperate.

He leaves to see Groundskeeper Willy, who's laughing meanwhile he's reading something, leant against his lawnmower.

SKINNER: Willy ? We pay you to work, certainly not to read these... (shuddering with disgust) comic books!

WILLY: This is Willy' break Skinner ! And Willy does what he wants during his break !

Skinner takes the comic titled "Radioactiveman vs Freddy Krueger".

SKINNER: Hmm, that's what the children read, isn't it ?

WILLY: Yar, I steal them from the rascals to read ! They love their superheroes, just like Willy !

Skinner put his forefinger on his temple and is thinking.

SKINNER: Superheroes... Hmm... Where can I find some ?

**The Android s Dungeon, comic book store**

Skinner goes inside.

SKINNER: Good-morning, good sir, I'm looking for information about superheroes and I have been told that you were the expert on the subject in town.

COMIC BOOK GUY: You will not find someone who knows as much as I do on the very subject. I'm listening.

SKINNER: You see, no kids at the school want to join the hall-monitor program, so I've got an idea: kids love superheroes, so why not let the hall-monitors dress as superheroes ?

COMIC BOOK GUY: Dress children as superheroes when it is not Halloween ? Why not ?

SKINNER: Could you give me a superhero team which could be a model to the students ?

COMIC BOOK GUY (searching something behind his desk, he finally find a poster): Let's see... Justice League of America, poster of the limited 2006 edition, perfectly preserved.

SKINNER: Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, and I don't know the others. Looks good to me. How many are there?

COMIC BOOK GUY: Hundreds, almost all DC comics heroes. The rest are composed of Batman s Outsiders, then there are the Super-Buddies, Infinity Inc, The Justice Society of America...

SKINNER: We don't need that many children ! Don't you have another famous team with less members, let's say five or six ?

Comic Book Guy turns his back and looks for something in the bookshelves. Smiling, he finds an edition of _Watchmen_ with the heroes on the cover.

COMIC BOOK GUY: The greatest graphic novel of all time, I don't have anything better.

SKINNER: What is it exactly ?

He gasps and gives Skinner a frustrated look.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Watchmen ? You've never heard about it ! Written by the great Alan Moore and drawn by the talented Dave Gibbons and adapted on screen by Zack Snyder recently. The movie of course has raised a few questions among the fans but I personally liked it despise some flaws (he shakes his head and frowns). I can't believe people like you are in charge of kids' education !

SKINNER (ignoring the insult): Hmm, it seems perfect to me. I like how they look. Tell me, this tall blue man in the background, what kind of costume does he wear ?

COMIC BOOK GUY: Most of the time, Doctor Manhattan is naked.

SKINNER: No way one of my students will walk naked in the school ! Apart from that, the others are fine.

Comic Book Guy slides Skinner an order form.

COMIC BOOK GUY: I can sell Watchmen costumes for the kids if you want.

SKINNER (he signs the paper): Perfect, I ll order five costumes for school. How much are they ?

COMIC BOOK GUY: 300 bucks.

SKINNER: That s a good deal.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Per costume.

Skinner gasps, but then agrees.

SKINNER: Fine.

AGNES: Seymour !

Agnes comes into the store.

AGNES: You know that I don't want you to read comics! They are an invention of the devil !

COMIC BOOKS GUY: Transaction completed. You can take back your son Mrs Werthram.

SKINNER: Mother, you're embarrassing me !

AGNES: Seymour, stop crying like a baby and come with me!

She drags him outside by his arm.

**Tomorrow, Springfield Elementary School**

SKINNER : Children, you re here so I can convince you to enlist as a hall-monitor.

He searches for a positive reaction, but only Martin applauds, Nelson punches him. Skinner shows the costumes to the dumbfounded students.

SKINNER: The hall-monitors will wear the Watch something's costumes.

NELSON: Watchmen, jerk !

SKINNER: Hmm. Thank you Nelson. In order to assure fairness, the name of the future hall-monitors will be drawn from this hat.

The spotlight turns on Edna, who is holding the hat, giving Seymour a withering look.

SKINNER: And we will associate them with the heroes' names drawn from this other hat.

The spotlight turns on Lunchlady Doris, who's holding the other hat.

SKINNER: Then you will put on your costumes in the changing room. Now, let's draw the names. Our first superhero will be... (he searches Doris's hat) Ozymandias, who will be (looking into Edna's hat) Martin Prince !

Martin comes onstage, overexcited, and puts on the costume.

MARTIN: At least. I will take my revenge for all this years of humiliation !

SKINNER: The Silk Specter will be... Lisa Simpson !

Lisa, surprised, comes onstage and puts on the costume reluctantly.

LISA: Principal Skinner, can we make alterations to our costumes ?

SKINNER: No Lisa.

MILHOUSE (a dreamy look on his face): She's beautiful in that costume !

BART: Pfff ! Oh please, Milhouse ! It's my sister, she looks like she fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch !

NITE OWL: Nite Owl will be... Milhouse Van Houten !

Milhouse comes and puts on his costume, he turns towards Lisa.

MILHOUSE: Hey Lisa! Looks like we're gonna be seeing each other a lot more ! Heh-Heh !

LISA (forces herself to smile and shivers): Great...

SKINNER: The Comedian will be... (Skinner is astounded) Nelson Muntz !

Nelson leaves his seat, pushing the other kids out of his way.

NELSON: Shove off, puke-holes !

He puts on his costume and tries the flame-thrower out, by aiming it at Skinner, who bows just in time to avoid the flame.

NELSON: Cool ! A real flame-thrower !

Skinner has recovered.

SKINNER: Finally, Rorschach will be...

A painful look appears on Skinner's face.

SKINNER: No, no, it can't be... (sighs) Bart Simpson !

Bart comes and puts on his suit.

BART: Cool, man !

Then he moves towards his sister.

BART: Hey Lis ! Watch your fingers !

LISA: Baaart !

He grabs her hand and reaches to her fingers, but Nelson pushes him away.

NELSON: Shove off, Simpson !

BART: Hey ! You and Lisa are ancient history ! Why are you doing this ?

LISA: We broke up in good terms Bart. You can let him go, Nelson.

Milhouse, with a sad look on his face, is looking at his feet.

MILHOUSE: I've missed another opportunity to look heroic in front of Lisa. OW !

Nelson punches him in the stomach and laughs at him pointing him with his finger.

NELSON: That's for being a coward ! Haw-Haw !

SKINNER: Children, let me introduce to you the new hall monitors: the Watch-Kids.

MARTIN: Principal Skinner, if we're kid versions of the Watchmen, where's Dr. Manhattan ?

SKINNER: There will be no Dr Manhattan, I will not let any of my student walk around naked !

BART: I can do that, Seymour !

SKINNER: Bart Simpson, put back your pants immediately !

MARTIN: And the student would have to possess superpowers since Manhattan was the only character who had any.

SKINNER (laughing): Yes, but it can't happen.

**Springfield Nuclear Power Plant**

Miss Hoover is in the bus, Otto is driving, she's talking to the children who are leaving the bus.

MISS HOOVER: Very well kids, we're going to visit Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Who knows, some of you will maybe work here as engineers or any other qualified job and the others as under-qualified employees. Stay together, the tour is beginning.

Homer, Lenny and Carl are eating donuts.

LENNY: Hey Homer, the school is visiting the Power Plant today.

HOMER: Pfff ! As if I don t have enough kids at home !

Smithers is guiding the kids.

SMITHERS: And this, kids, is a nuclear reactor; Yes young man ?

RALPH: Mister, can we play Star Wars like those guys ?

SMITHERS: Star Wars ? But (turns around)... Simpson, stop that immediately !

Homer, Lenny and Carl are indeed engaged in a lightsaber duel with the inanimate carbon-rods.

Lisa, ashamed, covers her face with her hands.

MISS HOOVER: Let's continue the tour.

Homer throws the carbon-rod into the reactor when the kids and Smithers leaves.

Ralph goes into the reactor to take the carbon-rod but the door closed itself.

Outside, the kids are about to leave.

LISA: Miss Hoover ! Ralph is missing !

MISS HOOVER (sighing): Lisa, we ll lose five minutes looking for him (Lisa frowns). All right, we look for him. Happy ?

They come back to the Power Plant and they find him stuck into the nuclear reactor.

MISS HOOVER: Oh Lord !

RALPH: Hi Miss Hoover ! Did you see it ? It's all green inside !

MISS HOOVER: Get him out of there, we're risking a lawsuit !

She says it to Smithers who repeats it to Burns.

SMITHERS: Sir, a kid is trapped into the nuclear reactor, we have to stop the setting up otherwise he will be disintegrated.

BURNS: No way, we will not lose time for some squirt. Time is money.

SMITHERS: But sir...

BURNS: Enough. What is this cry ?

The children are yelling.

LISA: Ralph has been disintegrated !

MISS HOOVER (about to cry): Just one school trip without any accident or missing kid, is it too much to ask for ?

BURNS: Smithers, bribe the kid's parents so that they don't press charges on us, money and a ham.

ONE KID: Miss Hoover ! Ralph's just come out ! And he's blue and naked !

BURNS: Cancel the ham and the money.

LISA (grinning): It looks like we have our Dr Manhattan.

RALPH: I like Lisa !

He puts his arm around Lisa's waist who doesn't appreciate.

**Musical Part (The Times They Are A-Changin')**

The Watchkids in action in the school.

Lisa putting out recycling boxes and strangling a boy who has spitted a chewing gum on the floor.

The Watchkids are in a meeting room with Martin in front a blackboard "Plan for the perfect school."  
Five minutes later: Nelson has hung up Martin on a hook by his underwear and he's burning the blackboard while laughing, Lisa, ashamed, hides her face in her hands. Bart grabs Milhouse, who is yelling from terror, by the cape, and uses the grappling-hook to leave the meeting room.

Ralph makes things explode in the school playground (toboggans, swing seats, trees...), others kids are running away, scared.

Jimbo, Kurney and Ralph tag on walls, Bart comes and punches them. Then he leaves the place with the grappling-hook and land on Milhouse on the other side of the wall, he raises a thumb to thank him and run away. Tomorrow, the three boys are discovered tied up near an "El Rorschach!" graffiti.

**Springfield Elementary School**

SKINNER: After numerous complaints from children and teachers, Watchkids are disbanded, except the Comedian and Dr Manhattan. If any Watchkid except them is taken acting vigilante, he will considered as an outlaw, will be expelled from school and then put in jail.

LISA: Sorry Principal Skinner, but most of the complaints are about Nelson. Logically shouldn't he be expelled too ?

SKINNER: Er... Well... I...

_Flash back_

Skinner approaches Nelson.

SKINNER: Nelson, this time you've gone too far. You're expelled from the Watchkids.

NELSON: I don't think so, Skinner.

SKINNER: Ah ? And what makes you so sure about it young man ?

NELSON: This.

He shows a photo to Skinner, who looks horrified. On the photo we can see a younger Skinner, apparently drunk, wearing a spangled dress and a blond wig, kissing another soldier. Skinner looks mortified.

NELSON: So, we have a deal, Skinner ? I'm staying. By the way, nice dress. Haw-Haw !

_End of the flash back_

SKINNER: No.

LISA: And why are you keeping Ralph ?

SKINNER: I don't want to have problem with the police or being disintegrated. Anyway, you, Milhouse and Bart will have to give back your costumes tomorrow.

LISA: What about Martin ?

SKINNER: He's already given back his own.

**The next day, Principal's office**

The costumes of Nite Owl and Silk Specter are on the desk. Skinner is anxiously looking at his watch and is walking circle, looking upset.

EDNA (opens the door) : The little monsters are home ! So, Seymour ? How about some romance ?

She strikes a sexy pose, but he doesn't react.

SKINNER : Sorry Edna, but it's that darn Bart. He's the only one who didn't give his costume back and it was the last day to do it.

EDNA : Let's forget about it, OK ?

They kiss each other but suddenly the window gets broken. They stop.

SKINNER : What have we here ? A paper with a rock inside.

He takes it and reads "Look at the window" on the piece of paper, he raises his head up and see Bart in Rorschach's costume sat on a tree, a slingshot in his hand.

SKINNER : Young man, if you give back this costume immediately, I might be merciful and only give you a few hours of detention.

BART : Never compromise, Skinner !

He send a balloon full of red paint which bursts upon Skinner.

SKINNER : Simpson, this is your last chance. If you don't give back your costume now you'll not only be expelled from school, you'll also receive the worst punishment you can imagine when we catch you !

BART : You'll never catch me. Eat my shorts, Skinner !

He runs away using the grappling-hook.

**School's corridors**

Skinner posts a notice portraying Bart-Rorschach: "Wanted dead or alive, reward: the merit of having stopped a dangerous delinquent."

EDNA: This is the worst reward ever, Seymour.

SKINNER: The school isn't rich enough to give money to the children !

**Treehouse, one week later**

Lisa climbs in the treehouse, Bart is inside, in costume, reading a comic-book.

LISA: Bart ? I asked Milhouse, he didn't see you in class.

BART: Sorry Lisa. If they wanna see Bart Simpson, they'll have to accept Rorschach too.

LISA: But they've seen Rorschach running away after he pranked Skinner.

BART: Oh yeah, that was fun.

LISA: No, that wasn't. If at least you cared about the others children' safety it would almost be okay, but you don't, you spend your time bothering the teachers instead.

BART: I caught Jimbo, Kearney, and Dolph two days ago.

LISA: Yeah, but Nelson is bigger trouble.

BART: He's a colleague, he doesn't bother me, I do the same for him, sounds fair to me.

LISA: And Ralph does nothing to protect the children too, he makes the school equipment explode and worst: he thinks I'm his girlfriend !

BART: Well the costume doesn't help, Silk Specter.

LISA: Don't call me that, Bart !

BART: Rorschach.

LISA: You should really give back the suit.

BART: Why would I do that ?

LISA: Quis custodiet ipsos custodes ?

BART: Huh ?

LISA: Who watches the watchmen ? You re abusing your power as a protector !

BART: Why would I want to be watched ? I like abusing my power.

Lisa sighs and climbs down.

LISA: Good night, Bart.

**Tomorrow night**

Bart breaks into his sister's room with the grappling-hook.

LISA: Aaaaaah ! Bart ? Can't you enter normally ?

BART: Lisa, something terrible has happened. Nelson fell from the school's rooftop and he's in the hospital !

LISA: Yes, I already knew. Like everyone in school.

BART: Ah (he sounds disappointed). Don't you see what it means ?

LISA: No.

BART: A conspiracy against masks !

LISA (sighing): Bart, this is not _Watchmen_, this is the real world. And it's only an accident.

BART (threatening voice): Are you part of the conspiracy, Lisa ?

LISA: Yes, I'm part of the conspiracy to bring Bart Simpson back to reality, not some pseudo-Rorschach. Please Bart, stop before we get into real trouble !

BART: I won t stop. Never compromise !

He takes the grappling-hook and goes directly into the treehouse, whereas Lisa shakes her head in despair.

**Springfield Elementary School**

Jimbo leaves the cafeteria bringing a bag. Bart arrives behind him. Surprised, Jimbo drops the bag.

BART: Hi Jimbo.

JIMBO: B... Bart ? What are you doing here ?

BART: It's Rorschach. I could ask you the same thing (he takes the bag) "property of Martin Price aka Ozymandias"? Well, well, you're working for Martin now ?

JIMBO: Working for that nerd? You're kidding! I've stolen this bag from him.

BART: Listen Jimbo, you're gonna tell me everything you know about what happened to the Comedian or I'll tear this to shreds !

He takes a photo from his trench-coat, on the photo we can see Jimbo, almost crying, in Disneyland with Cinderella.

JIMBO: How did you find that, you little OW !

Bart kicks him in the belly.

BART: Tell me what you know and I ll give it back to you.

JIMBO: Er, I saw Nelson yesterday night while I was vandalizing the cafeteria, he arrested me and he took one of the bags I stole from Martin.

BART: Nelson ? Stopping you from vandalizing the cafeteria ? No way, he loves destroying school property.

JIMBO: Yeah but that was before he became a Watchkid. And the day after he fell from the rooftop. That's all I know.

BART: Very well, now you're gonna tell me who did this Jimbo, or... (he takes the photo and threatens to tear it into shreds).

JIMBO: It's... Oh! Look over there ! (Bart raises his head, Jimbo takes the photo from him and runs away with it). So long sucker !

BART: How can I have been fooled that easily ? At least I have the proof that Martin is behind all this.

**Milhouse's room, the night**

LUANE VAN HOUTEN: Good Night sweetie, should I turn on the night light ?

MILHOUSE: Mom! I'm a big boy now ! (brief silence) Can I have my fluffy puppy please ?

His mother gives him his old stuffed dog before she leaves the room. Milhouse kisses the stuffed animal.

BART: Hello Milhouse.

Milhouse sees Bart sat on the windowsill, he awkwardly tries to hide the stuffed animal.

MILHOUSE: B... Bart? How did you get there?

BART: The window was open. I need you, my faithful Milhouse, as Nite Owl.

MILHOUSE: Sorry Bart, but my mom doesn't want me to dress like that and go out with you anymore, she says it's too dangerous.

BART: Pfff ! Milhouse, do you think Radioactiveman or Rorschach would have become superheroes if they had listened to their mothers ?

MILHOUSE: I guess no. But Rorschach didn't obey to his mother, he didn't like her, but I do love my mom, even if she forbids me to do so much cool stuff and confiscates my toys.

BART: Listen, the Comedian fell because of Martin and I can prove it.

He gets out of his coat the bag with "property of Martin Prince" written on and gives it to Milhouse who takes it, looking puzzled.

BART: Jimbo went out from the cafeteria with this bag and told me that Nelson had taken from him another bag like this one last night in the cafeteria. Do you understand what it means ?

MILHOUSE: Er...

Bart shakes him by the shoulders.

BART: It means that Jimbo is working for Martin ! And if Nelson has confiscated him a bag with "property of Martin Prince" on, it's certainly because he had discovered an evil scheme created by Martin, and that's why he pushed him from the rooftop !

MILHOUSE: Er... if you say so, Bart...

BART: To Archie ! (takes a look at his friend) but get changed first, no way you re coming with me wearing those.

He indicates Milhouse s Teletubies pajamas.

**The Van Houten's garden**

Archie is on the grass, Bart and Milhouse rush inside, in costumes. Bart pushes Milhouse out of the driver-seat.

BART: I'm driving !

MILHOUSE: Er... If you want Bart.

Archie is going very quickly, the flight is very uneven.

BART: Woohoo ! This is great !

MILHOUSE: Could you slow down... Watch out for that tree !

Bart veers off course just in time and the ship crashes on the grass near the school.

BART: We ought do that again someday !

MILHOUSE: Bart, you didn't see the tree...

BART: It's the mask. I can't see very well through it (he examines the ship). By the way, how did you get that stuff ?

MILHOUSE: My parents have been trying to buy my love since the divorce.

BART: Well, now we have to find Martin's hideout and stop him from destroying Springfield.

MILHOUSE: Destroy Springfield ?

BART: Yeah, that's what Ozymandias does in the movie to New York and the other cities.

MILHOUSE: Bart, aren't you afraid this could end like the movie ?

BART: Huh ?

MILHOUSE: Rorschach dies in the end (Milhouse pauses and remembers: "and Nite Owl gets the girl, that ending ain't so bad...").

BART: Milhouse, we are kids and kids always win.

MILHOUSE: What about Martin ? He's a kid too.

BART: Martin ? Oh please, he's almost a grown-up !

**Springfield Elementary School**

MILHOUSE: Well, do you know where we should start the research ?

BART: Er... We will manage to find some clues.

MILHOUSE: I mean, it's not as if it was written on a big neon sign.

BART: You were saying ?

Bart points to a big purple blinking arrow-sign with "secret hideout of Ozymandias aka Martin Prince" written on it. Bart opens the door indicated by the arrow, a sinister creaking can be heard, we can make out some stairs, the rest remains into darkness.

MILHOUSE: We're not really going in there, Bart ?

BART (sighs): What's the problem ?

MILHOUSE: Bart, it's a trap. Martin is the smartest kid in school, he wouldn't show the way to his secret hideout with a sign !

BART (shaking his head): Milhouse, that's exactly the problem. Smart guys like Martin always make plans. He showed the way to his hideout with a big blinking sign so that we think: "Hey, it can't show the way to his hideout, you would have to be really stupid to believe that."

MILHOUSE: Uh... I don't follow you Bart...

BART: He did that on purpose because he thought that no one in his right mind would think it shows the location of his real hideout, so we will find his real hide out (He grabs his friend by the arm and gets in). Let's go partner, let's not lose more time !

A security camera is filming them.

**Martin Prince aka Ozymandias' secret hide out, exact localization: no trustful information about it...**

We can see Martin in his Ozymandias costume and Skinner watching several screens on which can be seen the opening credits of Itchy and Scratchy, an episode of Futurama, Krusty the clown, the scene from Watchmen where Nite Owl and Rorschach are walking towards Karnak, a McBain movie, etc... and on the central screen we can see Bart and Milhouse going into the cellar.

MARTIN: Wow, I would have never thought that Bart would be that easy to trap. Rorschach was a worthy opponent in the comic-book and the movie.

SKINNER: Never overestimate the intelligence of your adversary.

MARTIN: Isn't it don't UNDERestimate it ?

SKINNER: Not when we talk about Bart Simpson.

**Bart and Milhouse in the cellar**

BART: Come on Milhouse, I think we're getting closer to Martin's hideout !

MILHOUSE: Shouldn't we turn back, Bart ? Martin has probably set traps so that we don't reach his hideout.

BART: Oh yeah ? Like what ? A killer-robot ?

A robot (looking a lot like the one in the movie _Forbidden Planet_) appears suddenly behind them and ensnares them with his claws while they are screaming.

**Simpson' s house, the morning, living room**

Lisa walks downstairs in her nightgown, she's half-asleep. Suddenly, Ralph appears.

RALPH: Hello Lisa !

LISA: Aaaah ! Ralph, what did I tell you ?

RALPH: That I was always welcome here.

LISA: No ! I told you not to teleport yourself unexpectedly anymore !

Marge appears in a dressing-gown, a cup of coffee in her hand.

MARGE: Oh, good morning Ralph ! Do you want to have breakfast with us ?

LISA: Mom !

Homer is eating in the kitchen, and while Maggie is drinking the bottle of maple syrup, he takes the baby-bottle instead of maple syrup and put it on his pancakes.

HOMER: Marge ! Come and cook the bacon, leave Lisa with her boyfriend !

Marge comes back in the kitchen.

LISA: He's not my boyfriend !

Ralph is about to put his hand on Lisa's forehead but Lisa grabs his wrist before he can do it.

LISA: Ralph, I don't want you to show me your childhood memories or your stupid dreams !

Ralph puts his other hand on the girl's forehead.

Then, Lisa has a vision of Bart and Milhouse in costumes in a cage, Bart is trying to break the bars while Milhouse is crying. She also see a robot near the cage before the vision ends.

LISA: Oh my God ! Bart and Milhouse, in what kind of mess did they got themselves ? Ralph, what did you show me ? Past, present or future ?

Ralph keeps smiling in a silly way but doesn't answer, even when Lisa shakes him until his teeth rattle.

LISA: The hell with it, I'm gonna save my stupid brother !

**Springfield Elementary School**

**Bart and Milhouse are in the cage.**

MILHOUSE: Please ! Get me out of here, I want my mommy ! Waaaaa !

BART: Shut up Milhouse, Nite Owl wouldn't act that way (Thinks about it for a moment). Maybe... Calm down, we are superheroes, we'll find a way to get out of here !

MILHOUSE: No ! We're not superheroes, I m not Nite Owl and you're not Rorschach, we're just kids and it's all your fault !

He charges at Bart, and they start to fight like a cat and a dog. Milhouse pulls off Bart's mask, Bart shouts "not my face !", then he takes off Milhouse' glasses for revenge but can't take back his mask because Milhouse charges at him again.

The robot makes its arms go through the bars to separate them, they try vainly to pursue the fight.

LISA: Release them, immediately !

The robot releases them and turns towards Lisa.

BART: Lisa ?

MILHOUSE: I thought you didn't like this suit. Not that I am complaining.

LISA (embarrassed): It's laundry day, and these are the only clothes I have left... (shakes her head). Oh, the hell with it ! I thought the costume was appropriate for the circumstance.

The robot is walking very slowly towards Lisa, raising its arms towards her. Ralph goes towards the robot, but Lisa stands in his way.

LISA: No Ralph, there s no need to help me, I m not some damsel in distress ! Let's see, how do we stop a robot ?

BART: With a laser-gun ?

LISA: No, a paradox ! (She pauses to think) Eureka ! Listen, if a man says that all men are liars, is this man telling the truth or is he lying ? If he tells the truth then it means that he's lying, so then all men are not liars, but then it means that, since he's a man, that he is not a liar and so he's telling the truth...

A short-circuit happens, the robot shakes, smoke goes out of its head, and it falls suddenly.

Lisa takes the key and free the boys.

BART: See Milhouse? Heroes always succeed to make it in the end, just like in the movie.

LISA: Ahem, Bart, _Watchmen_ was actually created to deconstruct the concept of superheroes, among other things the fact superheroes always win...

BART: Whatever. How did you find us by the way ?

LISA: Easily, I just had to follow the damage you've caused with the Owlship ! And it was predictable that you would follow the big arrow.

BART: And yet we haven't found Martin's hideout ! (looks at Ralph) Could he give a hand ? He's done nothing after all !

LISA: What do you want him to do ? Teleport us ?

Ralph teleports them and they appear in principal Skinner's office in front of Skinner and Martin, both surprised. Lisa grabs a nearby bucket, and holds it up to her face just in time.

MILHOUSE: Lisa, are you alright ?

LISA: I just threw up ! Do you really think I'm alright ?

MILHOUSE: Oh. Is that why you didn't want to be teleported ?

LISA: What do you think ?

BART: Thanks Ralph. I'll take care of Ozymandias now.

MARTIN: Bart ? You escaped the robot ?

BART: Shut up! I've come to stop you from accomplishing your evil scheme !

MARTIN: You discovered my plan ? I told you he wasn't that stupid principal Skinner.

Skinner mutters something under his breath.

BART: Yes, you plan to destroy Springfield ! Rhaaa !

Bart charges at Martin, who steps aside just in time; he ends up against the wall.

BART: D'oh !

Lisa, ashamed, shakes her head.

MARTIN: Destroy Springfield ? Why would I do that ?

BART: That's what Ozymandias does in the movie.

MARTIN: Sorry to disappoint you Bart, but I m not Ozymandias and you're not Rorschach. He wouldn't have been trapped that easily. However, I will explain you my plan, which is not at all evil. Do you want a snack ? Coke, juice, or some candy ?

He shows them a table with snacks and drinks on it. They help themselves with some of them and then listen to him.

MARTIN: Dear comrades, here is my plan...

BART: Why did you attack The Comedian ? Did he discover your scheme ?

MARTIN: Nelson ? But I didn't do anything to him.

BART: Oh yeah ? Then how did he end up in the hospital ? Moreover just after he had confiscated the bag with your name on.

SKINNER: I can answer that question easily, Bart. With this.

He takes a DVD and slides it into the DVD player.

SKINNER: I had surveillance cameras put pretty much everywhere in school and look at what one of these little wonders shot on the rooftop.

He switches on and it shows Nelson, disguised as the Comedian, on the edge of the rooftop. He's holding the bag he's taken away from Jimbo.

NELSON: "Property of Martin Prince." This bag sucks, not worthy of my trophy collection (he throws it in the air and looks up; we can hear birds singing). Cool ! Moving targets !

He points his flame thrower at the birds, then he raises his finger towards the sky and say: "Haw-Haw !"

Furious birds charge at him and attacks him from everywhere.

NELSON: Hey ! Get away from me stupid birds ! Woooo ! Aaaah !

He falls off the roof. Skinner switches off the TV.

BART (his mask half lifted so that he can eat some candy): It's a frame-up !

LISA (she stuffs a muffin into her brother's mouth): Bart, shut up !

MARTIN (he clears his throat): Can I explain my plan now that it has been established I am not involved in Nelson's accident ?

Silence.

MARTIN: Thank you. Well, I've been looking for a solution to this problem since First Grade. The problem being: how to make the children more obedient, more educated and more intelligent? In short, more like myself or Lisa. I found the solution a little while ago by mixing the cafeteria's food with a product I've invented to boost cerebral capacity to the maximum. I paid Jimbo to do it for a week.

SKINNER: This way our school will have a good reputation and superintendent Chalmers will at least be happy when he visits.

BART (desperate): But... you can't do that, It's against everything a kid is supposed to be ! You agree with me Lis ?

LISA (looking embarrassed): Sorry Bart, but this is certainly the only chance they'll ever have to study in the best universities and thus to have a qualified job.

MARTIN: She's right Bart. Only the future is important.

BART: If you think I'm gonna let you do it...

MARTIN (sighs and rolls his eyes): Bart, do you seriously think that I would explain you my scheme if you had the slightest chance to stop it ? They are already becoming more intelligent. Behold !

He shows him the school playground from the window. The three bullies are playing chess, Nelson in a wheelchair is reading _Thus Spoke Zarathustra_ by Nietzsche, meanwhile the other children are reading books on philosophy, literature, quantum mechanics, or are conducting experiments.

BART (getting upset): Rhaaa ! Nobody wants to be a kid anymore ? Roll in the mud, play hookey, spit on the bystanders from a bridge, play pranks on grown-up, especially teachers... Impossible (full of hope, he turns himself towards Milhouse). Except you... Milhouse, my faithful Milhouse... right ?

Shaking, he grabs Milhouse by his arms.

MILHOUSE: Sorry Bart, but I'm allergic to mud, and if I wanna have a chance with Lisa I have to make the same choices as her. And... you're hurting me, Bart.

Bart lets Milhouse go and takes off his mask and his hat, then he throws them away with a sigh.

BART: I'd rather not be here, it sucks !

Ralph, smiling, raises his hand and makes Bart disappear, Bart has only the time to scream: "Hey... Ay Caramba !"

LISA AND MILHOUSE: BAAART !

Lisa charges at Ralph and shakes him.

LISA: Ralph, bring him back, please ! He may be and idiot but he's still my brother !

RALPH: You're pretty like a worm Lisa.

Lisa bursts into tears and Milhouse tries to get closer to her in order to comfort her.

RALPH: If you touch Lisa, BOOM !

Milhouse runs away screaming.

Skinner opens a bottle of champagne.

SKINNER: Yeaaaaah ! Halleluiah !

LISA (shocked): Principal Skinner !

MARTIN (disapproving): She's right sir, it was really inappropriate.

SKINNER (embarrassed): Oh. Sorry Lisa. You can all take the rest of the day off.

The two kids leave the office.

Skinner moves apart a photo of his mother on his desk, under the photo is a big red button.

SKINNER: I have dreamed of this moment for so long.

He wipes away one tear and presses the button. A trap door on the ceiling is opened, balloons and confetti fall from it, a disco-ball and a sign "Bart's gone !" too. Skinner is dancing, looking more than delighted, on the music "99 Luftballoons".

**Karnak, Antarctica**

Rorschach is facing Manhattan, he has just taken off his mask.

RORSCHACH: Do it !

BART: Aaaah !

Bart falls between the two heroes, right when Manhattan was about to disintegrate Rorschach.

They both look at him, surprised. Nite Owl, who's just arrived, is surprised too.

BART: Rorschach ? Cool !

THE END

**A little precision: the nickname « Ms Werthram » given to Agnes by the comic book guy is a reference to the American psychiatric Fredric Werthram famous for his crusade anti-comics in the fifties with the book **_**Corruption of the Innocents**_**, he accused the comics to be at the origin of juvenile delinquency.**

**The following additions are the principal ones credited to ****TV-Junkie-99:**

"**COMIC BOOK GUY: The rest are composed of Batman s Outsiders, then there are the Super-Buddies, Infinity Inc, The Justice Society of America."**

"**Comic Book Guy slides Skinner an order form.**

**COMIC BOOK GUY: I can sell Watchmen costumes for the kids if you want.**

**SKINNER (he signs the paper): Perfect, I ll order five costumes for school. How much are they ?**

**COMIC BOOK GUY: 300 bucks.**

**SKINNER: That s a good deal.**

**COMIC BOOK GUY: Per costume.**

**Skinner gasps, but then agrees."**

**t****he "El Rorschach!" graffiti**

**I'm working on a sequel involving Rorschach, I'll post it when it's finished.**


End file.
